Confessions of a Graduate Student

     I've been a graduate student now for roughly three years.  I have roughly one year left to go and then I will be finished with my schooling.   As I sit here trying to type a paper for my practicum supervisor, I find my mind drifting off to other places.  Usually, this is an indication that I need a break.  Or food.  Or coffee.  Or all of the above.  I'm taking the former.
     Since I am in break mode, I decided to sit and write about something besides scholarly material.  I so seldom do that anymore.
     I have a confession to make. I'm exhausted.  I'm frustrated. I'm lonely.  I'm in a battle against myself.  I'm battling selfishness, jealousy, and mediocrity.
     I just want to do the things that normal people seem to be doing.  They spend time with their families, with their children, with their friends.  They go out on weekends and make memories with their loved ones.  They spend time with their church family and attend Bible studies and women's retreats.  They have conversations with other adults and with their spouses that last longer than 10 minutes.
    I want all of those things, too.  And yet, I sit here wondering how I can squeeze it in.  What can I cut out of my life to make room and energy for any of those things?  I find myself blaming myself for not being able to be as involved as I want to be with others.  I also find myself being frustrated at seeing life pass me by.  My kids are getting older. My husband is tired from work.  My friends are living full and busy lives.   My parents are aging.  I'm keenly aware of all of these things. And, I want to reach out and grab hold of these things and hit pause.
     I want to slow time down and sit outside with my husband and take time treasuring our quiet moments together. I want to take the children somewhere and make memories with them. I want to visit with my extended family and take in the love and laughter that I find there and store it up in my heart.  I want to sit with a friend over coffee and catch up on life with each other.  I want to be close to my church family and be a part of the women's retreats.  Instead, I see a calender full of appointments, a house crying out to be cleaned, a yard that is about a week overdue for being mowed, assignments that are going to be due soon, and a busy summer of further isolation and disconnectedness (due to travel, classes, and work).
      Yet, I know I am not alone. I know that we live in an age of isolation and disconnection, despite all the social media that exists.  Because social media does not fill the God given need we have to be a part of close and loving relationships.  It's time for me to reclaim that aspect of my life.   It will mean sacrificing housework and school work to a certain extent and being very intentional about how I use my time.
    So, instead of looking with longing at the lives of others around me, it's time for me to focus on the blessing that I do have and on restructuring my life to make the people in it matter.