I'm not exactly sure what I want to say here. So, I guess I will just speak from the heart, or head, as the case may be.

This Summer has been a growing Summer. I am slowly learning (and, I might as well add, AGAIN here) that there are always things in life that you cannot control, there are those things which you can control (whether or not you choose to is another topic), and those circumstances that make your problems seem like child's play.

I've had my share of times when I am looking into my situation and shaking my head but then I hear of something far worse and I'm ashamed at my attitude and humbled by how little I've been given to really dread and bemoan. I guess what I am saying is that if a person could be inside my brain for long enough, they'd probably walk away saying "what a spoiled little brat" and how I sound so similar to a whining toddler.

We have all heard the phrase, "there will always be somebody better than you at something and somebody worse than you." I don't care so much about that any more. Now, my lesson has changed more to, "there is always someone with more of a burden than you and someone with less of a burden."

What do I do with that information? Do I let it change my attitude from one of self introspection to one of outward empathy? Right now, I'm trying to quiet all the times I've been thinking about how terrible this or that is in my own life and I'm trying to focus on what my friends may be going through. And not just focus on them, but pray for them and when possible, help in practical ways...and I am far far from perfect in these areas! A dear friend (one I am not "close" to...but remember fondly) is in the final breathes of his life. He's not much older than me. 35 I think. He'll be leaving behind a wife (whom, I haven't met, but I've heard she is an amazing, strong woman of God), and 4 young boys. I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like. I am so glad that they have a group of friends and family around them to support them and to minister to them. People who are giving up their time to help. People who are there no matter what. And, I guess, what I'm saying is, that I hope I can be like that someday. Someone who can put aside their own junk to help other people walk through theirs. Lately, I don't think I would be able to do that b/c I'm so busy trying to fix the things in my own world, that I really don't even have any control over in the first place, that I would probably miss what others around me are going through.

So, I'm learning to wake up to what is around me. I'm learning to cherish the people in my life, because you really don't know from one day to another what life will bring your way. There's more that I could say but I think I have given myself enough to think over for one day.

Summer

Signs that Summer is near:

1. The kids are more distracted than usual during their homework time.
2. Suppertime has been bumped from 5:30 to 7:30p.m.
3. Children are awake past 8:00 p.m.
4. Lightening Bugs have seen a decline in life expectancy due to over zealous little fingers.
5. It's hot outside past 7pm
6. It's hot outside by 9 a.m.
7. The flowers are flowering, and so are the weeds.
8. You see some of your neighbors for the first time since Winter set in.
9. There seem to be extra children in your yard and extra noise but that's OK b/c at least that means they are outside.
10. Taking a bath before bed sometimes means just washing muddy, grass stained feet and dirt encrusted hands and watermelon stained smiles and chins.
11. It rains and there's thunder and lightening along with it.
12. It is warm enough to be in the rain in a swimsuit (or tee shirt and shorts)
13. The pool water might be 64 degrees but it doesn't matter b/c you've been out in the 90 degree weather playing in the garden and the children were out playing tag.
14. There are numerous movie days and field trips at school.
15. The book bags are emptier than normal of homework and fuller than normal of finished art work and crafts.
16. You've been making smores over the fire pit and not in the microwave.
17. The band aid supply is dwindling b/c that stunt on the bike w/the mulch pile ALMOST worked and the belly flop onto the swing w/a wet bathing suit just didn't quite take.
18. You found a football in the top of the grape vines
19. The circus has come to town.
20. The Fair has come to town, too.
21. Instead of normal street traffic, there's the increasingly common sound of mowers, edgers, chainsaws, weed eaters, and ice cream trucks.
22. It's 9:00p.m and the kids are still awake and you just don't care.

It's been quite a long time since I've written anything in here. There have been a few times when I thought I might write a new entry but then decided it would just be a bunch of complaining so I decided not to bother.

Not a whole lot has happened since November. We've had our ups and downs but nothing out of the ordinary....at least OUR ordinary.

The kids are wrapping up another school year. I'm very ready to be done with it. There's been a lot of turmoil this year with one thing and another and I'm ready to put it behind us for good. It's hard to believe though that come next year, Michaela will be entering her last year of elementary school. Time goes so fast. David will be a 2nd grader and little Amanda will be in 1st. It shouldn't be too much of a change for her since she did all day K this year. She'll be familiar w/the cafeteria already and the longer school day. I thought about homeschooling next year to avoid some of the crap from this year but I'm not sure about that yet. I haven't even talked it over w/Eddie at all. That's not so unusual though, we see so little of each other. Sometimes I wish he were on FB so we can stay in touch easier. How sad is that?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Summer so much. I need that time w/the family. Eddie will be on another 10 wk shut down starting June 24 or so and I'll just be working pt at Weavers so we'll have time to reconnect as a family. I'm not sure what all we'll end up doing but it will just be nice to be together and not have any time constraints on us (bedtime, homework, etc). I'm also looking forward to reconnecting w/a lot of other friends and family. There have been so many ppl that we haven't been in touch with b/c of our crazy schedules. I'm looking forward to investing ourselves back into the lives of other people.

Well, my head is throbbing so I'm gonna take a nap I think. I have a lot more to say but I'm not sure how much of it I should say. Does that make sense? Life is a battle and I'm feeling a little beat up so I probably should just keep quiet for now.

Until next time.....

Weekend

I worked on Sat from 12-5 but afterwards, we decided to make it a movie night. We ate supper while we watched Madagascar and then had some snacks, too. It was nice to chill out together! The kids did a sleepover (w/TRex of course) in Amanda's room and they did pretty well with it! They usually drive us nuts with the loudness but they kept it pretty quiet! I think they were exhausted!

On Sunday, we skipped church and went to Middle Creek. We hiked around for about an 1 1/2 hrs and enjoyed the smells of Autumn! We took butt loads of snacks w/us, which the kids seemed to need every 10 minutes!

After we got home, we all had some lunch and then me and Amanda made some honey cookies. David and Michaela helped a little bit but they spent most of the time playing with their friend, Justin. After the cookies were done, and supper was done, we ended up coloring together and playing Cranium Cariboo. Overall, it was a very nice weekend and it was good to spend some quality time together.

I miss weekends like that. I think I am going to talk with one of the managers at work and see if I can start getting some more day time hours. I've really hated being away from the family at night and the kids feel it, too. My attitude has been really, really, bad lately so it would be nice if maybe I can get some day time hours. The only problem w/that is finding sitters though. It's not an easy situation. I'm trying to look on the positive side but there hardly seems to be one. Anyhow, before I start sinking myself deeper into my funk, I'll end here and go enjoy a cup of coffee.

Thanks for being patient w/me. I know I've not been the easiest person to be around. I don't even want to be around myself! Now, that's bad!

Tissue, please!

It's that time of the year again and if your house is anything like my house, you have a steady supply of tissues, or toilet paper, right now.

Amanda has been out of school all week w/fever and cold like (or, dare I say it, FLU like) symptoms. Now, today, David is home with 101 temp. and similar symptoms. So far, Eddie and I are healthy. Michaela is, too. I wonder how long the three of us will last? It's my guess that Eddie will be fine until it is time to return to work. Wouldn't that just be how life goes?

I emailed David's teacher and she said that their class has been hit hard. It's a wonder that the schools are even bothering this year. The teachers are going to be teaching the chairs pretty soon.

I hate to say this, but I think some of you will relate. It's sorta nice that David and Amanda are home sick. We'll get a chance to watch a movie together. Drink hot chocolate together. Eat junk (what else is there when you're sick?) and just chill. Sorta a relaxing day. I'm sure I'll be chomping at the bit later after hours of listening to a hacking cough. But, for now, it'll be nice to enjoy our time together. Hopefully, they'll heal quickly and be up and running around soon.

So, in the meantime, pass the tissues, please!

Ch Ch Ch Changes.....

It's been a long, long, long time since I last blogged. It seems like life has been moving along rapidly and my thoughts are being left in the dust, without the chance to really form into a concrete thought pattern.
At my last post, I was interviewing for various jobs. I did finally land a job w/the local grocery store, Weavers Market. I'm now your friendly, neighborhood cashier and bagger. I work evenings until closing, which, depending on the day is either 9 or 10pm. I have been working part of my Sat, too. I just interviewed for another position w/the IU (a corp that helps in the classrooms w/special needs children). So far, that seems really promising. They've actually called and spoken to some of my references already and told my references that they were impressed w/me. We'll see where that goes.
My heart has been twisted in several different directions. I really battled looking for work to begin with because it felt like something was being robbed from me. Eddie and I sacrificed so much so that I could stay home with the kids and this year was supposed to be the year that I got to stay home and wait for my last child to come home from 1/2 day K and spend the afternoon with her. I earned that, after all, didn't I? I was looking forward to coffee w/the other Moms, running errands ALONE, having time with Eddie (since he is out of work still), and spending time exercising, reading my Bible, etc.
Then, Eddie's shut down got extended by a month and it was clear that I needed a job asap. So, I began looking for work. Somewhere in that process, God spoke to my heart and told me how selfish I was being and that really, any time I have off from the kids or duties isn't just my time to do whatever I feel like with it. It's His time. So, I began to consider other ways that I could use my time and realized that working or volunteering would be a better use of any time I had than just soaking it all up for ME. Not that I can't or shouldn't have time for me, but I was making this entire thing about me....which is never good. At that point, I interviewed w/Weavers and landed the evening job.
That ended up being a relief b/c I still have my daytime to do some of the things that I envisioned and can still volunteer in Amanda's class. And, I'm thinking about doing nursing home visitation, too...but I need to see how the IU turns out first. It seemed like as soon as I started asking God what He wanted me to do with my time and I was okay letting go of it, He gave it back to me. How awesome is that?
Shortly after I got the job at Weavers another blow to my heart took place. Amanda was being offered EDK...extended day kindergarten. She needs extra help w/her letters, etc. so after her am K session, she has lunch, recess, and then attends another class for extra help w/a diff teacher and 14 other students. It was hard enough letting my last baby go off to school and grow up more but it was entirely different to let her be gone all day long. I really battled guilt as a Mom...feeling like I failed her somehow. And, feeling like I'd be saying a long farewell to her..sooner than I expected b/c now, instead of seeing her for 1/2 day, I'd see her for about an hour...before I had to go to work.
The next twist in my heart came when I found out, at about that same time, that David was going to be entered in the reading support program. Again, the guilt. I failed him, too. I didn't have him reading enough over the Summer. Now, he had to adjust to going from 1/2 day K last year to a full day schedule in 1st gr this year AND a new reading support program, too. Ugh!
In the midst of all of these changes, I have had to fight against feelings of guilt and loss. Going into the school year, I was prepared to say goodbye to a lot of things. Goodbye to long summer nights chasing fireflies and making smores over the fire pit. Goodbye to seeing the kids and doing things w/them on a random basis. I was also ready to say hello to some things, too. Hello to homework. Hello to less time as a family. Hello to illness. Hello to busy schedules. I knew what to expect. I didn't expect working 20 hrs a wk and only seeing the fam for abt an hr. I didn't expect to say goodbye to family suppers. I didn't expect to say goodbye to reading bedtime stories. I didn't expect to say goodbye to bedside chatter w/sleepy kids. I didn't expect to say goodbye to family fun nite on Fridays. I didn't expect to say goodbye to social Saturdays. I didn't expect having to say goodbye to our youngest child to the full school day. There's a mourning process that takes place when you let go of so many things at once. And, some days I hardly feel it at all but other times, it's a more pressing pain.
I think that there are more changes coming, too. If I take the job w/the IU during the day, it'll bring more changes. When Eddie returns to work, it'll bring more changes. He goes back on Oct 29th. How is he going to handle going to work for 10-12 hrs and then coming home to deal w/supper, homework, scouts, trumpet practice, baths, bedtime? When will we see each other? He will most likely be in bed, or just about in bed by the time I get in. But, I can't focus on that, because it's too far away. We have to take it as it comes. At least I do. I can't ponder on it because it will only discourage me. I can't see the future so I'm not going to imagine that I can see how our lives will look down the road. I just have to mount those obstacles as they come.
As I look ahead to the changes that are coming, I keep reminding myself that God is there in the midst of the changes with us. Just as He's gotten us through every other hard time, He'll give us the strength and the grace to stand up under these times, too. He doesn't always make the situation easier (sometimes He does) but He does promise that you'll have the strength and the grace to handle what you're walking through.
Now that I've finally unburdened my heart and caught everyone up to date, it's time to go accomplish some other tasks. I don't know what you're facing as you read this. But, remember, no matter what it is, life is good. It's not always easy. But it's good. No day is exactly alike. The things you are facing today will vanish. And, most importantly, through it all, God is with you in it and through it...waiting....not forcing Himself in your life, but there if you chose to accept the peace and grace He offers. It's what has gotten me through all of our changes and what will sustain me through the ones ahead.

Job Interview

I have a job interview w/the school district on Mon, 6/22 at 7:15am for a ft special ed. paraprofessional! I have no clue how many ppl are being interviewed. Pray that God's will be done.

Thanks!